I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i think im in europe. pls send help
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
