I want to have your abortion
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
