is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
