what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
