I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
