The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
