Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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