Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
