Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
this beer tastes like vomit already
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just gargled with NyQuil
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
