i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
