Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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