Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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