1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
