the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
