dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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