worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize