If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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