I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she looked like the before picture.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize