Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
