i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
