apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
