I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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