At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
