i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
