Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
