I'm going to jail i love you
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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