He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
