so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
