girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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