the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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