Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
