im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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