so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
