I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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