so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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