You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
