can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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