the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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