Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
