So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
