Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
