someone get that fucking seahorse.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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