Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize