You smell like stripper and shame
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
