so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
