Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
