good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
