a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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