do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
