"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize