i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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