i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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