Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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