For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
