wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
