I haven't been this sober since birth.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
