one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize