I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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