he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
