You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We're too hungover to prance.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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