My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize