And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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