insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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